Albus Dumbledore and the Super Gay Crab Dream
by SeleneRanma
Summary: Headmaster... you are gay!" Based pon a joke by Dane Cook and J.K.Rowlling's assertions that Prof. Dumbledore was gay. One shot.
1. The Interpretation

**Albus Dumbledore and the Super Gay Cram Dream**

**A\N I do not own Harry Potter, or any of it's characters, neither do I own Dane Cook's Joke about the gay crab stuff, and I do not own all my base because they are belong to them…**

Dumbledore's leg kicked at him really hard. It seemed to say "Wake up!" which Dumbledore did, just to fall instantly back to sleep and directly into the dream.

He was being chased by a giant crab, and it was doing this crazy crab walk and snapping at him with its little snappers and it was wearing some sort of muggle shoes… Loafers or something, and it was shooting lightning out of its eyes! And during this dream, it looked like the crab could run as fast as it wanted be he just could not just…

Finally Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Order of Merlin, (First Class), Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards, Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, and Grand sorcerer, woke up from the nightmare that had hunted him ever since he was little. He had stopped dreaming about the crab for a while, but ever since he had hired Severus Snape…

No! Tonight was the night he was going to find out! He Stood up from his bed and walked over to the fireplace. Albus took a pinch of green powder from the mantle and, whoosh, the flames turned emerald green. A second later he was in Sybill Trelawney's classroom.

"Headmaster! The orb told me I would receive an unexpected visit from you tonight!"

'Pish posh…' Thought Albus, without really meaning too.

"Professor, good evening. I hope I do not interrupt you in your ,um…"

He could see that Sybill had not been sleeping, but she had not been consulting with the fates either. The smell of cooking sherry and the hastily concealed bottles under the coushion of one of the chairs gave her away.

"No, not at all professor, please do tell me what is troubling you."

"Well, you see Sybill, I have been having an extremely unsettling dream. I.."

"Yes, yes, I have just what we need!" Trelawney dived towards the shelves filled with books and candles, and came back with a large deep blue book titled "Mysteries of Dream Interpretation by Fredrick M. Frinsterstone"

"Now, headmaster, tell me what you have seen in your sleep and we shall journey into the land of fate together."

"Yes.. I, well in the dream I am being chased by what seems to be a giant crab." Dumbledore said, eyeing the book with apprehension.

"Yes, crab, crab ,crab… Ah! Here it is: crab. … Headmaster, you are gay!"


	2. A Second Opinion

**A/N: So, last chapter wasn't all that random, but this one is ;D Hope you like it!**

"Headmaster, you are gay!"

"Excuse me?"Albus Dumbledore was totally befuddled.

"Yes, and that's why you were running away, because the crab represents sexuality, because it doesn't know which way to… and that's why you ran away. You were running away from your gayness, headmaster!"

"Preposterous, I…" Dumbledore was completely and utterly at a loss for words. "And the lightning?"

"Um, yes… lightning" Trelawney flipped a few pages, "Emphasizes the gay, That's what it says here. If there is lightning around the crab it means you are super gay, that is what it says, yes, super gay. He wasn't wearing those muggle shoes, "loafers" it says here?"

Dumbledore gave an infinitesimal nod.

"Oh no! Because that would mean you are ultra mega gay, like super hero gay!"

"What do you mean by this Sybill?" asked Dumbledore.

"That you are extremely gay, headmaster." She answered in a soft mystical voice.

"Well, I must settle this for once and for all, then. To the forbidden forest!"

Battman music played and there were some color swirls, a few seconds later Albus was walking towards the forbidden forest with a resolute look on his face.

"Super mega ultra gay, she says… " He was mumbling under his breath.

"BANE!" He called as he entered the forest.

"You rang headmaster?" Bane asked appearing from out of nowhere.

"No, I called Bane, please pay more attention, anyway, I have something truly important to discuss with you."

"Is it about the super gay crab dream you had that means you are gay?" Interrupted the centaur.

"Why… yes, how did you…?"

"SYbill Trelawney posted it on her Facebook." Bane took a smart phone from somewhere and showed Albus the screen.

"Um… that says Twitter on the top." said Dumbledore giving him back the device.

"Well, it does! So, she posted it on Facebook, AND on Twitter, huh, let me just check something.. yes, she posted it on Myspace too."

'Damn muggle technologies!' Thought the headmaster, 'they're not supposed to work in Hogwarts…'

"Wait a minute, those aren't supposed to work in Hogwarts! How did you do that? This is a dead zone!"

"But we have this guys" said Bane, pointing back at a bunch of guys walking out of the forest mist. "No dead zones."

"You're good" Said the guy at the front of the giant mob of people.

"Oh, that explains it…" Dumbledore said, "But, what I really want is for you to tell me if this dream really means I'm gay"

"Okay, let's see…" Bane took his phone out again, and Dumbledore noticed it had nice shiny blue crystals on it and made a mental note to buy one. "The crab was running after you, it had lightning around it and it was wearing loafers, right?"

Dumbledore nodded again.

"Okay,… yep, you are gay." He closed his phone with a snap.

"What? I thought you were going to burn some sage, look at the stars or something!"

"Nope, just looked it up on Wikipedia. The exact outcome was 'Super-mega-ultra super hero gay'."

"Oh, okay." Answered Dumbledore, and he picked up his robes and hoppitty-hopped back towards the castle.

Until he saw a shadow in the mist…

**I had fun, didn't you?**


	3. Night terrors

**A/N**

**I do not own Harry Potter, or any of the characters on this story.**

**I do not own the super gay crab dream/nightmare joke.**

**I probably don't own the plotline either, since I started taking sleeping aid pills and I have found myself selling stuff on e-bay in my sleep.**

So the shape in the shadows was, dum dum dum, Severus Snape, walking around the grounds.

"Damn it! Why is there no signal in this place?" Snape was holding up a giant cell phone.

"You should ask the centaurs what network they're on," Dumbledore walked toward him and noticed how his greasy, filthy, hair shone in the moonlight.

"Oh, headmaster, I…" Severus looked flushed and tried to hide the giant phone behind him, which did not work.

"Don't worry Severus; the curfew is only for the students." But Snape did not relax, and Dumbledore followed his gaze and realized he was still holding up his robes and his legs were exposed.

Dumbledore released his robes and they fell covering his legs again.

"Um… Bye." And Severus flapped his arms and flew back to the castle.

But, still it was too late, the Headmaster had made a shocking realization: his dream had come back since he had hired Severus to work for him.

"Huh, interesting." The headmaster mused as he walked towards the castle, but then he bumped into something.

Harry Potter's invisibility cloak had slipped off as he bumped into the headmaster.

"No, no, no pop-tarts, no blueberry pop-tarts." Harry screamed as he ran around Dumbledore in circles, "I don't like blueberry pop tarts!"

"Harry, are you having another disturbing night terror?" The headmaster asked, noticing that harry was wearing his underpants on his head and Hufflepuff robes.

"No! No cookies and cream either, please, please!"Harry fell to his knees and scram to the heavens.

"Let's get you back to Gryffindor common room."

"NO! NO PILLSBURY TOASTER STRUDELS! ANYTHING BUT PILLSBURY!" Harry jumped to his feet and started running again, flapping his hands in the air and skipping on every seventeenth step.

"Harry, listen to me very closely," said the Headmaster.

"Peanut butter jelly time?" Harry stopped dead in his tracks and looked deeply at the headmaster.

"No, it is not peanut butter jelly time, Harry, and shut the hell up!" shouted a very disgruntled Hagrid from inside his cabin.

"NO HAGRID!" Albus tried to stop it, it was the worst thing you could do when someone was sleep walking and asking about peanut butter jelly time.

"No… peanut… butter…jelly?" Harry looked at his headmaster again, then he looked to Hagrid's cabin, then again to his headmaster.

"No, Harry, do not listen to Hagrid, it is peanut butter jelly time, it is, listen to me Harry, it is!"

But it was too late.

"I want peanut butter!" Harry yelled, yanking off the Hufflepuff robes to reveal a gurdy root modesty skirt and running towards the castle yelling something about purple daffodils.

"ENOUGH!" Bellowed a high pitched voice and Voldemort landed besides the headmaster.

**A/N **

**I do not own pop-tarts (and if I do have a box in my possession it is probably way past it's prime), neither have I ever tried toaster strudels. **

**I do, however, own the plot line, because I checked on e-bay and no one bid for it! **

**R&R, if you don't I'll force feed you Harry's modesty skirt and some plimpy soup.**


	4. What's Up Voldemort's Robes

**A/N **

**So, last chapter was random, huh? Actually, this story was only supposed to be 3 chapters long, but I got a bit carried away, last chapter. Let's face it, we all need a bit more randomness in our lives.**

**The only things I do own in this story are: a) Anything completely messed up, and b) anything that makes no sense at all, all the rest are belong to them.**

"Tom! What a surprise to find you here, did you come to lift that curse off the defense against the dark arts job? Because that would really make my life easier, Tom."

"MY NAME IS NOT TOM!" Answered a disgruntled looking Voldy.

"Oh, I am sorry, is that you Sue? I always confuse you with Tom. Must be your nose… or lack thereof" The headmaster shoved his face really close to Voldemort's.

"AAAHHH! I hate Potter! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!" Voldy dropped on the floor and started hitting it with his fists.

"What is the matter Sue?" Dumbledore asked concernedly.

"Well, it's not enough that he brought me down, but now we're connected by that stupid scar of his and EVERY TIME he has nigh terrors I see them too." Lord Voldemort sniffed.

"Now, now, Sue, it's not that bad…"

"It is! I mean, every three hundred and fourth Saturday of the year I can't get any sleep, I start shouting gibberish, I black out, it's embarrassing."

"You do know that Harry does this because this is the date on which Lord Voldemort killed his parents." The headmaster observed as he handed Sue-I mean Voldemort- a hankie.

"No, I did not know that… So I brought this on myself?"

"No, Sue, Lord Voldemort did."

"I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!"

"No, you are Tom Riddle"

"NO I AM NOT!"

"Then who are you?" Dumbledore looked genuinely interested.

"I AM SUE! I MEAN TOM! I mean toaster pop-strudel… I don't even know, but if I brought this on myself I will fix it!" Voldemort started gliding toward the castle.

"Whoa, how are you doing that?" Albus started hopping after him.

"What?"

"That Dracula glidy-thingy," The headmaster caught up to Voldemort and tried looking up his robes."Do you have wheels under there or something?"

"No, I do not have wheels under there!" Voldy slapped the Headmaster's hand away.

"Ow, that hurt, Sue."

"Get over it," Voldemort called back, not even looking.

"Okie-dokie,"Albus jumped up, hiked up his robes and shouted "BUNNY RACE! Last one up to the castle is bald and nose-less!" and hopped all the way there

**On the next Albus Dumbledore and the Super Gay Crab Dream\**

**SEE Potter start up a rebellion!**

**SEE Snape hike up his robes and bunny race Dumbledore!**

**SEE VOLDY ON ICE!**

**Shout out to Gatsby Rose for the review! Short chappie, I guess.**

**R&R or I'll send Voldy to look up YOUR robes.**


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